good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize