looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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