Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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