I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
