She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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