I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
