I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
