Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
