please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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