I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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