Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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