you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
