You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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