talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
