if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize