Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
