you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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