I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
