Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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