dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
