lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize