he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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