Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
