i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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