"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
