Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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