You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
