one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
