A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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