my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
