Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
