Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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