Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize