Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
