I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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