Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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