Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize