He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize