I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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