you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
