your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
