Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize