she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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