Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
