If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
