Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
