Where is the hickey?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize