its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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