She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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