i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
