She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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