in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize