That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
