I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
