i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
