this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
