can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
