Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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