why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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