My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize