No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
