she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
