how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
