I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How many fucks given?
0.12846
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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