Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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