she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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