I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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