did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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