1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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